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I have never been drawn to writing about my real life experiences, as I feel inclined to believe those who lack creativity have to rely on their experiences to spark some light in a conversation with no means to an end, however, it is the first day of year 11, and I feel even more inclined to document my experience into bits and pieces that I doubt won't be gone in less than 5 years, and the short term gratification I get from staring at the screen expressionless and thinking of sequences of words that I should type out on my keyboard to bring the psyche of my future self at rest with the knowledge about my current self will remain short termed as well.
Today was the first day of year 11, or as the 'Mericans call it, Junior year. The end of August has always been flesh-touching to me, and now is no different. I have never fancied the way the educational system works, and the sooner I became more conscious of the brainwashing I felt through my thoughts - the sooner I wanted to escape, or at least try to go behind the way it works. My social skills have never been fancied much by my peers, and despite my desire to be accepted as most human beings would - the mere concept of interaction with others was enough to drain me. The ones that did take the chance, barely saw me as a concept but reinvented me in their head to fit their ideals and got disappointed when I could barely stand them due to what modern society would call commitment issues which I seem to "suffer" from. I am able to commit to those who give me reasons to. I am not a reject, and I have a few people which I resonate with. I love life, and I believe I have so much to learn. I have pacific coast dreams, which my body limits me to - but if I had no body, I wouldn't be able to think and feel. I am trapped by urges and callings of my body slave to this body that houses me and I can't live without it and I will live serving it, moving it, feeding it my whole life, I want to continue existing, and to prove my existence over and over again, I feel my thoughts, and I think my feelings, and I am grateful for a body I can endlessly experiment with, and I am saying "endlessly" because unless there's no afterlife, I wouldn't be made aware of an end anyways. But maybe humans weren't meant to become the way they are, have you ever seen a worm in an existential crisis? In the grand scheme, I may be just as insignificant as a worm if there were to be nothing left of me, which I guess I have to accept. I don’t want my life to have a definite sake, to live is to change (as said by John Henry Newman), I want to work for the sake of working, I want to live for the sake of living and experiencing moments that I’ll forever revisit with a certain tinge of sweet and bitter. But we wouldn't know of dinosaurs if we hadn't dug up fossils, and I want to be more than bones. I don't perceive the end in a bad nor a good light, and I don't believe in black and whiteness, all that's outside of my control is not a justification to go bats. I try to be stoic, but I don't have enough self-discipline for it, and if I am taking a deterministic viewpoint, if you shouldn’t apologize for what’s not under your control - then you shouldn’t apologize for anything if you have no free will and hence no control? The thought might be flawed, but I am trying to not go off the tracks, and visibly failing.
14:52 - So I arrived to the class later than most, if I recall correctly, 7:54, I tried to get a table at the back of the class, and I didn't want to sit alone. I am almost wholeheartedly convinced every single classmate of mine has a teleportation machine which they use to get to the class earlier than me, and if someone is late - their machine needs to be fixed, or something along the lines of that. My emotions depend on the treatment of others towards me, but my ego doesn't want to believe I am as sensitive as my heart makes me to be. When the teacher arrived at the class, in the side of my eye I caught a girl sitting alone in a table. there are 5 ( - brother invaded room in the time this was written, trail of thought got cut) lines of tables in the classroom, and I sat with the girl in the 3rd line after requesting to sit next to her, as politely as I could. Nothing much happened. I spoke to the people I resonate with for a few, and having to be conscious of each of my actions for such long period of time made me physically sick. We learned some history, not a lot, mostly about that the Lahi movement and Etzel made a collaboration called the Jewish Resistance Movement (called Mari) and it means rebellion against the British after they (sort of) betrayed us twice.
23:13 - I still need to finish this entry. I will try to keep the website as minimalistic as possible - but knowing myself, the sooner I learn something I'd want to apply it to things as soon as possible.
Today was oki, quite rough but thinking of my boysnail in an odd form of visions (I cannot describe my thoughts otherwise, but it brings a much more tingly feeling when it just comes out of nowhere, like how a song sounds much better when you're on putting it on shuffle and not putting it on command), he helps my heart find the ease no other would, I assume it's because an owner takes care of the property they care about most the best. Need to learn about hieroglyphics.

00:38 - My concerns are none other than utterly stupid, and you'd think that if I percieve them this way, then surely, I don't truly believe they should be any of my concerns whatsoever. I am not a writer, I am moreso trying to escape this prison of limitation to words, and I know it's inevitble. Nothing quite fits my ideal much, and no matter how many times I brush my teeth, the smell of bitter remains. I believe that the bible and religion is the tip of the iceberg of the spiritual world, and we live a lot (relatively) in this century compared to the others, and still, reach the end with barely any knowledge. It's not genuinely my concern, but I need to outdo the way my emotions work in order to escape the side thoughts. I am not overwhelmed, quite humiliated by the need to even write all of this down. Trying to do what I want to do.
00:50 - I look into my dog's eyes, and they're just so full of life. Some things make me so happy I am capable of witnessing, it makes me want to pump even more blood to my heart. It breaks my heart knowing such beauty exists in such a cruel world, but maybe that's what brings the balance.. don't get me wrong, I don't believe in empathy, and it sounds like projection more than anything to me, but I can have basic human decency even if I believe respect should be earned. But maybe the parts of my youth which shaped me to be the way I am were too much and my subconscious impulse to feel certaint things skipped most parts I’d consider right, which caused it to be short-lived, at least in my eyes, which is why I am here, in my 60s, telling you all of this, even if I am 15 at the time of writing this.
16:37 - Oki... finished makin some adjustments to this website. I've been trying to work on my JS skills for a while. For the future I hope, some readers, a cup of tea with milk, time travelling, maybe in another universe, and my husband, but it'll be a lie to say I think that'd be a use of all of my points in this life, and that in the afterlife I might be a cockroach if I live this good.. Despite my apathetic nature that might stem from too much dopamine (quite typical of my age, I'm aware), or my inactive nature, or the fact that a lot of things I feel I've already seen except for him, I look forward to the future, what things have to suggest to me. More on what I said a few words ago, I came up a few months ago with this theory that claims I've already lived this life multiple times, that's why I am so prone to crankiness - I've been in this situation before. After a while, I found out about Nietzsche's eternal return theory. It might've seeped into my subconscious/unconscious somehow, but I doubt it. I am quite a skeptic person. (will continue after lunch)
22:01 - Quite the delay but poor times require poor solutions. As said, I am quite a skeptic person - as I wish everyone to be, because I believe skepicism is initially what keeps the world progressing, I'd like them to be skeptical in a more healthy way, and unlike me. Simulation: the thing about writing anything surrounding things like philosophy, is that I know that there always are going to be critics, and that’s ironic because even with this sentence some critics would disagree even if it’s a pure principle that there always will be an exception, buit I am am glad I let people have the option to think for themselves and not be enslaved to the words of a philosopher that died 300 years ago just because they have a certain attachment to them.
22:50 - How can one be so pathetic that they need to create false aphorisms to lower their standards from life to such levels? I guess people are different, it is great to hear what I want to hear, but if you give me only that - I might just dislike you forever (hyperbolic). It’s scary to me how things that I study nowadays in school might be complete misinformation, because only a few years ago people found out that the Earth is round and mocked every single person who thought otherwise. I guess I’m probably not going to be there to see when it’s proven as misinformation, I guess it shouldn't really matter to me anyways.

17:50 - The feedback page is still not working as a real-time chat, hence still a WIP. My Discord username is "pyoq", I figured I'd let the ones that were captivated enough to keep reading up to this point know that. Welcomed to send me feedback there.
As for today in school, my mind kept wandering between trying to get myself to focus extremely hard on the subject, so hard that I was focused more on the focusing part than about the subject, and between my boysnail. I think that catching feelings for him was the easiest thing I've ever done, because it just so happened naturally. I have physics homework, so I'll keep it short (I claim, knowing damn well I'm going to be stuck with my eyes staring at the screen and my fingers moving at the speed of 80mph for the next 2 hours). I do 5 points physics, I could've taken biology/chemistry, but I've never been drawn to any of those. One seemed way too practical for my thinking, and trying to memorise words only leads me to failure. There are dark memories that the sound of children playing could spread rainbow sugar on it, and there are some things that won’t protect you again. And there is a melody, which promised things, which the silence of now would in vain want to establish, and there is a place you won’t be able to return to. And it all saddens me. Anyways, the day started with a 2-periods introduction to the Python class I am going to be taking - seemed abstract to me, I have no option but to update how it goes. 2 next periods consisted of a math class, and we finally finished soemthing we were supposed to study in year 10. I'd be quite mad if I cared, but I don't, or maybe it's a lie, because if I didn't care I wouldn't want to mention it. Next 2 periods consisted on history. The teacher rambled about the Brits and about the Mari again, and I almost fell asleep uncontrollably because some cosmic forces made me get 3 hours of sleep last night. Next two periods were physics, which went much better than expected and this time the teacher doesn't act like a body that somehow gained consciousness as opposed to the previous teacher so I reckon now instead of zoning out or something, I genuinely have to listen to what's said in the class. Returning to HQ to finish the side quest now (going to do the homework).

18:02 - I know, it's been a long time and I've violated at least 6.3 moral rules by just starting to type those words on my keyboard, but I am a believer of hope in a better future - and it's better later than never, and it even applies to the belief of this sentence. Anyways, none of my cries about the current state in my country will be seen as valuable, hence I won't bother sharing, although it's arguable that if you percieve my rants as valuable enough to the point where you read this entry, then you mind find my cries valuable, but I digress, and if I ranted then I'd only want to escape my own escapism. I started looking into Nordic mythology, and I'm learning about Asgard at the moment. It's one of the Nine Worlds in Norse mythology, located high above Midgard (the realm of humans) and connected by the Bifröst, the rainbow bridge. The group of gods that reside in Asgard are known as Æsir, and it’s predicted Asgard will get destroyed during Ragnarök, which is a foretold series of impending events, including a great battle in which numerous great Norse mythological figures will perish (including the gods Odin, Thor, Týr, Freyr, Heimdall, and Loki); it will entail a catastrophic series of natural disasters, including the burning of the world, and culminate in the submersion of the world underwater. After these events, the world will rise again, cleansed and fertile, the surviving and returning gods will meet, and the world will be repopulated by two human survivors, Líf and Lífþrasir, that survived by hiding in a wood called Hoddmímis holt and, after the flames have abated, repopulated the newly risen and fertile world. Their survival signifies the hope for a new beginning in the aftermath of destruction, hence Ragnarök marks the end of an age and the eventual rebirth of the world. Valhalla is described as a majestic hall located in Asgard and presided over by the god Odin, and is portrayed as a grand hall where warriors feast and prepare for the final battle of Ragnarök. Half of those who die in combat enter Valhalla, while the other half are chosen by the goddess Freyja (goddess associated with love, beauty, fertility, sex, war, gold, and seiðr (magic for seeing and influencing the future)) to reside in Fólkvangr. I think my constant seek to learn stems from an innate issue I deal with internally. I feel that I have to make up for the person I am by bringing something into the table - and in my case scanrio, it'd be things I am aware won't help me actualise and develop any social skills I'd hope I'm capable of. Did you know they say that the more you use pronouns that refer to the self - the more prone you are to suffer from NPD? I don't believe I have NPD, but my I's say otherwise - and that is probably something a person with NPD would've said. And at all, I don't really think people with NPD really suffer from it - they seem to have more fun than anything. Not that I'm envious, and whilst being clouded by a sinking feeling of helplessly being devoted to a side of myself that releases the hormones my mind is prone to dislike (the sad hormones) doesn't feel all that ideal, it does remind me of the human that's piloting the flesh suit that my body is. I want to outlive my body. I want to outlive death, but being born like this means I'll die anyway (and I don't necceserily see it in a bad light, but it's not as black and white as most make it seem, as with most subjects that are overlooked by people - and most subjects are overlooked by people, because they usually ride the status quo). Some people can outlive lifetimes in photos, songs, movies, books. Still, does it make them any less dead? Maybe we were never meant to become this intelligent. And I don't want that, I want to live past my death a little while longer, kept alive in the bright and shining proofs of my living, I want to live behind words and thoughts and footprints and sentiments, every little piece of me that I can squeeze out of myself.
18:25 - Unfortunetly, claiming publicly that I believe I live in one of the most interesting eras of time will feel like I'm on a battlefield, because a lot would disagree with me. The key to overcoming bigotry is separating anecdotes from empirical evidence, critically evaluating what you hear, and not jumping to stupid conclusions. I know, most people cannot be satisfied with their own states - and so they'll escape to whine about the things they can do nothing but whine about. And so the world lives in constant frustration, and that's probably why you cannot get your eyes off the screen and actually interact with people instead of pitifully reading this entry - it'll frustrate you to just try in one way or another! I'm kidding, of course. But it's obvious I'd know, since I'm the one that spent her time writing it.
18:49 - I find it very awkward to try moving and performing according to social contracts again. Finding it difficult to pretend these things matter when I know they don't. But I guess I myself am quite full of contradictions, e.g.; I'm very sensitive about my looks, and I think that if I appear good-looking then my mood will improve because it's influenced by the people around me. And that'd show I care, because I do. And I certainly want other people to know what I have to say - I mean, we wouldn't know of dinosaurs if we hadn't dug up fossils, but I want to be more than bones. There's a saying, "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” And they say, “yes, God hears it", I don’t know if God exists, and I don't know if I do.
But I want to be heard, do you hear me?

22:20 - I am very much in love, and I have a boyfriend. I require a lot of attention, and I need the love of my life to give me a reason to love him, and once I am given a reason, all I can think of is how inevitbly, they'll eventually get repulsed by me, after giving in to the concept of spending the rest of their life with me. I am very much in love, and it hurts, and I admire the pain, I lick the wounds, and I will go through an inferno for my paradise. Longing is a very short word to use in order to describe how much I truly long for him. It's probably pretty silly, but feeling like the skin fits my bones in the correct way had only made me realize how useless that is, because I know of this thing called Astral Projection. It's when your "soul" leaves your body, and your body is unconscious - but you are conscious, and you can go anywhere you are able to picture. I tried looking for the sources that claim the CIA admitted there's a spiritual barrier seen by astral projecters around the Vatican, White House, Area51, even seen by Robert Monroe (a CIA scientist in project Stargate), because I heard they exist, but I think it might be related to your mindset & mentality more than anything. I continued writing about the Nine Worlds in Nordic Mythology. I am working on Midgard, which is below Asgard. It's the Middle Earth, the abode of mankind, made from the body of the first created being, the giant Aurgelmir (Ymir), the ancestor of jötunn, which are often contrasted with gods (the Æsir and Vanir) and other non-human figures, such as dwarfs and elves. Ymir in Poetic Edda (untitled collection of Old Norse anonymous narrative poems) - Gave birth to a male and female from his armpits, and his legs together begat a six-headed being. The grandsons of Búri, the gods Odin, Vili and Vé, fashioned the Earth (elsewhere personified as a goddess, Jörð) from his flesh, from his blood the ocean, from his bones the mountains, from his hair the trees, from his brains the clouds, from his skull the heavens, and from his eyebrows the middle realm in which mankind lives, Midgard. In addition, one stanza relates that the dwarfs were given life by the gods from Ymir's flesh and blood (or the Earth and sea). It’s the only one of the Nine Worlds that’s primarily located in the visible world; the others, while they may intersect with the visible world at various points, are first and foremost invisible locations. I am not sure whether I find Nordic mythology interesting or maybe I find my reality so uninteresting that I resort to niche ideas. I know you are reading this, and I find it funny because everyone that's reading this sentence thinks the world revolves around them and their course of actions, and I know you are reading this. Since I'm in a funny mood, it's funny how you have so much information I shared about thoughts in my mind and you don’t even know my real name, or so I'd hope, but I know some do, I know things, well, I don't know nothing, so I know something, I know you are reading this. As much as I try to value the little things, I know I can’t, I can’t and I won’t till they’ll be lost. It's not pessimism either, I am trying to be a realist. I need to find a middle ground between my reality and my high-standards without the pain that comes with the innate circumstances. I guess so, but the only thing I’ll let linger to my bones is love now, and that’s why I wouldn’t flinch when he touches my skin. I don’t watch any shows, and I don’t go on social media a lot besides sliding through some Instagram posts every once in a while, a lot of these feel like a waste of my time, when I do watch shows, I can’t enjoy hyper-fantasy that’s meant to be appealing without being consumed with envy, because I’d want to be there, And some hyper-fantasy even fits my ideal of how life should be like. I can’t sit there and admire the fact they “read my thoughts”, I want to be there. Don't you feel ashamed by being entertained by someone else's misery? It doesn't make a difference when it's conveyed poetically. Stop giving me a stage to perform on. It's very scary, inevitable and has the shape of a duck you put in bath; I’ll never know wat people think of me, even if they told me, and I’m scared of letting the people that are here down, I’m scared of being embarrassing, and I’m embarrassing, and don't know how to make my own pasta, focus, I don’t like disappointing people, and being myself is scary, because it’s not as if I’m judged based off something along the lines of how my voice sounds like or how I put on my make up or dress up, it’s me, and if you told me “I don’t judge you”, I’ll be happy, but I’ll never know if it’s true or not, and I mix up everything, confuse it all, important things
23:51 - I don't care. (But If I really didn't, I wouldn't have felt the need to write this. But you care too, don't you? Because you wouldn't have read that if you didn't. We're on the same boat. Titanic..?)

00:00 - Don't try to be nice to me.